Failure Can Be Our Greatest Teacher But Only If We Love Ourselves Enough

“Do not judge me by my successes; judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” ― Nelson Mandela –

While certainly not my most difficult trip around the sun, last year was a challenging one. I have always known that I have grit to spare and that has sustained me in difficult times.

What is special about the past year is how much I’m able to revel in the lessons that came in the aftermath of the many mistakes I made rather than beat myself up about making them in the first place.

What enabled me to do that is that I turned a corner in the journey towards loving myself last year.

And that changed everything.

As Sophia Loren said, “mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.” But learning from them?

That’s where the real magic happens.

Henry Ford took it a step further in declaring that: “[t]he only mistakes are the ones we don’t learn from.”

However (and this is critical so lean in closely) to learn from our mistakes we first need to do the internal work that allows us to separate who we are from the mistakes we make.

Our mistakes are not us — they are not who we are but things that we do as part of living a full life.

Even though we might recognize that on some level so many of us translate mistakes into meaning that we are inherently bad and that’s not okay.

Mistakes are part of being human and each one provides us an opportunity to learn and grow and live a more expansive, full life.

To illustrate this point, I stand on the shoulder of the excellent work and wisdom of researcher Brené Brown who has done a lot of work on this topic in her academic career. I would highly recommend checking out her many books, Ted talks and podcasts (both her own and her guest appearances on others) if you want to learn more particularly about the importance of vulnerability.

Her work on shame is equally powerful and has been pivotal in elucidating the difference between shame and guilt. In her second Ted Talk Brown differentiates between the two with this description:

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

Once you get this fundamental point you can see mistakes as a gift. However, loving yourself will help expedite this process of learning from your mistakes; and in my view is an essential element of doing so.

I find that the more I love myself and embrace who I am as a human, the more I’m able to see mistakes as the lessons they are meant to be.

Do I intentionally make mistakes? Definitely not.

But I also don’t dwell on the making of the mistake.

Instead I focus my attention and energy on what they can teach me and how I can leverage them to grow in my personal and professional life.

Indeed, as Alex Mathers writes in a recent article, mistakes are our most reliable teachers.

And if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not taking enough risks in life.

I often say that my heart is my superpower and that’s still true, but the more I love myself, the better I’m able to learn the lessons and take them forward.

Thanks to all the inside work I’ve done I am now able to separate my mistakes from who I am because I love myself more now than I did a year ago.

And that’s the real lesson of this past year. That’s the real work of our lives.

To love ourselves no matter what.

If there is one thing I hope that you take away from this having taken the time to read this Dear Reader it’s that you are already perfect.

Making mistakes might help you live a more vivid life, but it won’t change that fact.

This article is an extract from a blog I wrote on how the lessons from failure made me a better leader which you can find here. For more on why we need to learn from failure to make bigger change in the world see a blog I wrote with my friend and colleague Kehinde Balogun here.

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